Dealing with loss a Widow's Journey

Update: As I reread this nine year old blog I realized just how far I've come in my widow journey. Happiness and joy are more prevalent than heartache and pain. I'm taking my life lessons, empathy and compassion for my fellow widows and turning it into a coaching practice. Life can get better and better with each passing day. Keep the faith!

I just read a post about how to grieve for the loss of your husband. Wow, that resurfaces a lot of old wounds. And when I say "old" I'm talking about 7 and a half years. But right now it feels fresh. The emotions can come back in a flash even after many years. Losing a spouse is not something most people get over within a set amount of time. That was my first lesson.

My husband is second from the left and has his tongue out. :)

Everyone is different. I've seen it firsthand in the widow support groups. So my first advice to you is that there's no timetable on your grief. Grieving itself is a coming to grips with reality that can seem neverending. And when I mean that, I'm talking about daily you will find something that reminds you that your spouse is gone. It's possible to hide the grief or bury it in a new relationship, but dealing with it is a necessary ingredient to healing.

It really doesn't matter how long you were married. I was married almost 22 and a half years. The pain is real no matter how long you were together. Those with shorter times grieve over what could have been. Those like me, married for a longer time, still had dreams of growing old together. Time together is irrelevant; it's the expectation of your joined lives and the loss that hurts. Coming to grips with the reality of a new life is one of the hardest things I've ever done.


My first memorable moment of that terrible reality occurred at a Friday work faculty meeting. I sat there thinking that the gal talking in front of me was going home to her husband. And I am going home to an empty house. It pains me to think of this, but I spent most of that meeting trying to deal with that terrible fact. I didn't learn much about whatever concept was introduced, but I was facing the facts of my new life.

I did have our dog, which became "my dog" and thank God for Ruffy. His needs were something I could focus on when I needed to push myself. On my planning hour I came home to take him out and to make sure everything at my house was okay.

My next lesson deals with acknowledging your feelings. I journaled like crazy. I'm fortunate that I wasn't involved with facebook at this time. I was a mess and I went from being mad to being sad in the course of a few hours. It was crazy. But it was my personal journey and I documented it on a spiral bound notebook. I haven't had an occasion to review it lately, but I've been through it many times. It can help remind you of how far you've come in the grieving process.

I found support. I was lucky enough to find a widow support group online. Those people helped me realize I wasn't alone. Being alone when you are already alone and feeling alienated is the worst feeling. Knowing there were other widows out there dealing with the same problems gave me some hope. It may sound strange, but when you've been left alone you need to know there are others experiencing the same feelings. A bond forms when you meet other widows.

My first experience meeting another widow online was scary for me. I was going to Kansas City for a conference and she lived near KC. She told me to give her a call. I was all alone in my room, because widows aren't the best company. So I took a chance and gave her a call. She showed up at my hotel and amazing as it might sound, we hit it off. We shared experiences of teaching and being widowed. And still today I think of her as a good friend. She actually helped me out more than she knows. Thanks J!

Hurdles. Yes, there are hurdles to leap in the process of grieving. I made a point of remembering every first I accomplished, because it meant I was moving forward. It's crazy how many "firsts" you can accomplish. My most recent one was driving from Missouri to Colorado last summer solo. It may not seem like much to you, but it was a big deal for me.

Am I totally over my loss? I would have to say, "No". Am I dealing with what my life has become? Well, I'd have to say, "yes". Life is a strange mix of good and bad. Sometimes it feels like one overcomes the other, but give it time. Take care of yourself, mentally, physically and emotionally and things will balance out. Until next time....